Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD