Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.