Best misinterpreted text ever!
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The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.