My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I get distracted pretty eas
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Nomnomnomnom
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three