I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I feel seen
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.