Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard