I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You Might Also Like
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively