Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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🙄😏😂🤣
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I never needed anything more in my life
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44