If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated