There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The USS B port
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better