Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”