oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink