*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.