You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The future is now.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
This is my pinned tweet
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind