I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
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ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Ain’t no way
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
BRAKING NEWS!!
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it