Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it