I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there