Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*