I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I want what they have
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her: