Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You Might Also Like
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I am also baked goods
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?