HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You Might Also Like
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food