*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”