M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.