Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school