If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Stop being racist to kettles.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation