I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Goat cheese is for herders.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no