I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
You Might Also Like
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.