Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
look at me when i’m typing to you
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.