Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
LA today:
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that