Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
welcome back
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Lassie, get help!
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.