OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
ACED my prostate exam!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
shit just got real
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.