“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.