judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
catch me on valentine’s day like
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.