Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*updates tinder bio*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.