[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
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My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
me hooking up with my ex
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
had to share :’)
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again