I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
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ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
not for long
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*