I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.