Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
You Might Also Like
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Do not steal food from the science building!