Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
When someone trying to leave me
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I feel attacked.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”