I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
consequences, the bane of my existence
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later