I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.