“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: