If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship