No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…