Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.