M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
You Might Also Like
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
pizza
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why