[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Monday Lisa
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I found your tweet-up…
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…