her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Maths meets science
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets