Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
#Caturday
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.