If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.